PhD Philosophy & Psychoanalysis

Tag: changedworld

Still(a)Life #22: Floating in Limbo

“I’d rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy” said Tom Waits. I researched how to make genuine ginger beer today. The whisky is running out. It was a rough day. I had to trade with their mother, one son for the other. On his birthday! It feels like the kinds of choices you would only make in wartime. But, as I ventured out of the house for the first time in 22 days, it was alarming at how everything seemed so normal but not. More cars than I expected on the road. Everyone moving so seemingly freely. Half worn masks for their token value.

I wanted to roll down my car window and scream, don’t you get it, the world has changed forever. How can we all just go on like this? It’s changed for the better, in some respects? I want to change the way my children are educated. Reconsider the source of my food. Relocate humanity’s place on the planet. Appreciate the joy of travel.

As I walked into the shop a keeper shot me in the frontal lobe with a gauge, execution style. “33.5” he announced, almost disappointed. A bit too high I guess? Not the lobotomy I was hoping for. An elderly lady kept on looking at me suspiciously from behind her mask. When did we become so dangerous to one another?

The ships lie, increasingly, in waiting. A metaphor for the position we all find ourselves in. We are adrift from our everyday lives. Waiting to see what our future holds. When will we dock into a reality that is more recognisable to us all? Limbo is never a great place to spend too much time floating in.

I think we need to get on with it. Put on our masks and gloves. Buy what we need, support who we can. Socialise from a distance. Educate our children from home. There is no “back to normal”. And, do we even want that? Once we have found acceptance that we live in a changed world, the most important question could be: How do we go on from here?

Still(a)Life#21: Hidden Layers Crack through the Surface

All of experience is a layered occasion. At any given moment, there is more to each experience than that which lies on the surface. Conscious and unconscious. Apparent and hidden. Suppressed versus expressed. For the most part, we present to the world an outer layer. A shell hardened by time, social norms and experience. It’s a shell designed to safely keep hidden the more vulnerable aspects of ourselves. The unborn parts we have not yet had the courage to enact and the missing parts we have not been able to find a place for. The thing is, we struggle to admit to ourselves what it is that we really want or to face the things we find too uncomfortable. We stick to the surface of things.

Lockdown slowly compresses these layers, they collapse in on each other and the things we have been hiding away or hiding from, crack through the surface. The husband chooses to sleep in his office. The wife struggles to hide her difficulty with food. The child refuses to go back to his mother’s house. The lover decides she is no longer settling for less.

My phone has started to vibrate in the night. The rumble of people’s layers stirring to the surface. Our initial tendency is to quickly find a place for these thoughts and feelings. Make sense of them. Move on. Put everything back together. This is not the time for getting “back to normal”. Not everything has a neat place.

The world outside our windows is changing as you read this. And, if you want to find out where you are in that world, it starts with a journey inward. Embracing the change does not start with holding on but with letting go.

“The only way to find out where I was was to get out of the way and let myself happen.”
― Mark Epstein, Going to Pieces Without Falling Apart: A Buddhist Perspective on Wholeness

Still Life #12: The Naked Truth

Brene Brown proposes that “Vulnerability is the birthplace of innovation, creativity and change”. I would add to this that the courage to “be with what is”, is a necessary precursor to vulnerability. In order to be vulnerable, we need to strip ourselves down to the bare truth of things.

This is difficult at the moment, given the layers of anxiety we might be trying to avoid. We are likely to sooth ourselves on a count down. 9 more days. But, even if we come out of lockdown (for economic reasons) it would be unwise to go back to business as usual.

To be vulnerable means to appreciate that our lives will be different for the next 18months (at least). To be vulnerable means to be willing to change our lives forever. If to be vulnerable means innovation, creativity and change; then to be vulnerable requires us to reflect on how we live. The tighter we hold on to how things have been, the more anxious we will continue to be. The less innovative we will become.

To be vulnerable requires an openness to re-evaluating how we school our children; earn our money; grow our food; treat our elderly; care for the sick.

To be vulnerable means I no longer see the homeless, the poor, the old, the foreign as living in a separate world to me.

To be vulnerable is to have the courage to see things as they are.

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